Bummer for Jesus, his birthday falls on Christmas.

In honor of his birthday, we thought we’d show you our very own West Coast Choppers Jesus collection. Happy birthday J, word to your mother.

and all through the shop, the pit bulls weren’t barking, not even a drop.

The bikes were all polished, and parked by the door, ‘cuz Santa had called and ordered 3 more. The tools lay silent, the Red Room swept clean, the mechanics had split–nowhere to be seen. The girls of West Coast had also gone home, to try and wash off all that biker testosterone. As the last ghetto bird departed the sky, there was a loud noise…a blow out? a backfire? perhaps a drive by? The cars on Anaheim all started to part, was it Baby Jesus and Mary, or Hobo Jim with his cart?

The Cisco peeps all ran out to see, just what was this hub bub, what could it be? And then they saw Jesse, going 80 or so, and sirens blaring, lights flashing: Long Beach’s Finest in tow. He does a burn out, in through the gates, the cops try to follow but get there too late. The fuzz on the bull horn: “Jesse, you’re under arrest! 80 in a 35! We’re soooo not impressed. Come on out, son,” say the black + whites, “you’ve heard ‘em before, but we’ll read you your rights.” Jesse comes out with hammer in hand, tells his sad story so they understand.

More tears were shed than for “It’s a Wonderful Life”, when Jesse started in about his gift for his wife. She asked for nothing for herself, but joy to the world. Peace, and prosperity, for all boys and girls. Jesse thought, “world peace is for sissies”, and sped to West Coast to make something special for his li’l missy. The vision was pure that he had in his head, to make something with his hands from chrome, steel, and lead.

So excited was he to make this great gift of love, he throttled his bike like hell from above. So the police sympathized with his Christmas plight, and let him off with a warning and bid him good night. So in the shop he hammered away, the pits looking on for the rest of the day. This damn poem has drug on much longer than planned, so we’re stopping, quitting, cute endings be damned. Make up your own finish, blah, blah, blah, good cheer, blah, blah, blah, eggnog, we’re soooo outta here. Go ahead, call us quitters, you’re welcome to scoff, to YOU we wish Merry Christmas…but you still can fuck off.

Give your dog something to special eat for the holidays!

HOMEMADE DOG BISCUITS
1 cup uncooked oatmeal
1 1/2 cup hot water
1 tablespoon bouillon granules (beef/chicken)
1/3 cup unsalted butter
1 egg, beaten
3/4 cup powdered milk
3/4 cup cornmeal
1/3 cup nutritional yeast* (full of protein and B vitamins which reduce stress)
3 cup whole wheat flour (or plain flour)

1. Preheat oven to 325°F.
2. In a large bowl, pour hot water over oatmeal, bouillon granules and butter, allow to stand for about five minutes.
3. Mix in beaten egg, powdered milk, yeast and cornmeal. Combine well.
4. Add flour a little at a time while mixing. Continue to stir thoroughly. Add more flour if necessary to make the dough very stiff.
5. Roll dough into a 1/2 inch thickness to cut into shapes and place on lightly greased baking sheet (lightly grease the sheet with butter wrapper).
6. Bake at 325°F for 45 minutes. Turn off oven and crack oven door but leave biscuits in to slowly cool and thoroughly dry out.

Now available on RANT

Put away those pitchforks and torches, the wait is over. Episode 1 is live for all those complainers out there. You know who you are. Check back for more episodes soon, we don’t want to hear your griping anymore.

Written by Jesse Keiser

… Continued from Part 1 …

Amanda is the actual owner of the car. “She wanted a Cadillac, but one actually older than a ‘65,” said Livingston. “I found this ‘65, and it was all in pieces. The body was sitting off the frame. It was just in boxes basically. We found the car and basically threw it together at first.”

He wanted to drive it as soon as he could, so his crew at Bomb Star Fabrication in Lenoir, NC, put the Caddy together with the factory 429 c.i. motor. He drove the car for a few years in the Carolina blue phase with the 428 c.i. drive train he purchased from a friend who also owned a ‘65.

“The Cadillac’s 429 motor frankly sucks,” said Livingston. After leaving a South Carolina show last summer, the 429 blew up, leaving Jason and his wife stranded….and pissed. When returning home, he scratched his brain for what the newest power would be; he knew it was not going to be GM. He decided on a Cummings about the time another friend called him explaining their dad was selling one.

“We just love diesels. We were going to do a Duramax diesel, but decided on the Cummings because on the East Coast, Cummings is….well, 90 percent of the trucks at shows are Cummings trucks,” said Livingston.

He landed an ATS sponsorship after being seen by an ATS rep at an all-diesel show in Bowling Green, Kentucky. The sponsorship featured a trip to SEMA at ATS’ booth. ”It’s a kinda cool thing to get a big sponsor. We have had other, smaller, sponsors, like Optima battery and others, but nothing as big as what we are doing now,” said Livingston. “ATS really stood behind us a lot in building the car.”

Like puberty, the Caddy has gone through phases as it matures into a homegrown monster, with more phases to follow. Livingston currently plans on swamping the automatic for a straight drive. The straight drive was hard to come by, but now they have what they need.

”

We have some parts on the way for a straight drive. It will be quite a few miles before we put it in because we don’t want to miss any shows,” said Livingston.

That’s why Livingston built this Frankenstein of a car — to drive it. “If we are going maybe 8 to 10 hours on a trip, we will drive it” — driving for his and for others’ enjoyment.

”I love seeing other people’s faces when they realize it’s a diesel and they see that big turbo hanging off the side.”

DO YOU WANT WHAT’S BEHIND THE CURTAIN, OR WHAT’S INSIDE THE BOX WHERE THE LOVELY CAROL MERRILL IS STANDING?

If you’ve ever seen Let’s Make a Deal, you know you should always go for the curtain. There’s always a car behind that damn thing. But for some reason, we’re feelin’ like we want the box this time. Yup, we’ll take the box.

And in this case, the box definitely was the way to go. So, what was in this box we’re harpin’ about? Well, when Jesse took his road trip up north this summer, he stopped at his old pal Cole Foster’s place in Salinas. Turns out Dan Woods, was there that day and he and Jesse hit it off from the get go. Don’t know who Dan Woods is, well, here’s the skinny on Dan Woods for the uninitiated:

He popped on the radar with his legendary Milk Truck show rod. It was so revolutionary for the time that it caught the eye of Ed Roth and landed him a job. He worked with Roth on some famous cars like the Ice Truck and the Druid Princess among others. After some time with Big Daddy, he went onto start his own shop, Contemporary Chassis Design and Contemporary Carriage Works where he continued to turn out one classic custom after another. After a stretch, he escaped LA and moved north to the Bay Area and is fabricating high end fixtures for custom homes.

So, last week this mystery box appears at the shop. And in true hot rod fashion, even the box was nicely hand lettered and pinstriped. After it was loaded on the forklift and delivered to Jesse’s roll up door, Jesse followed the instructions [for once] and carefully unscrewed the sides to reveal the most badass free standing vice you’ve ever laid eyes on. It’s equal parts art and science. The paint job is off the charts perfect, and polished to within an inch of its life. A great addition to the array of hopped up tools in Jesse’s workshop. Question is…is Jesse going to use it for showin’ or for blowin’??

And a footnote…the fabulous mystery box has been repurposed as a dog house for our little sweetie peach, Cinnabun. By the looks of her, she would have rather had the vice.